Here is my wife and I pictured when recently married 22 year ago. So, lets talk about marriage. Marriage oneness is a topic among Christians and non Christians. Christians have a further push:
‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,[b] 8 and the two will become one flesh.’[c] So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
I imagine there is a spiritual dimension to the connection between a man and women in sex. But who am I to define it tightly?
Most of us would see more than sex in the statement that the two will become one flesh. We sense a oneness in marriage that is a high calling.
The excitement of getting married and beginning a life with someone takes us through quite a lot in the first years of marriage. However, a non Christian friend of mine said to me.
Jim, if you put one penny in a jar each time you have sex the first year, and then take one penny out each time from them on, you will never empty the jar.
His starkly pessimistic view of marriage is, however, noting something. As I have mentioned often, women are so agreeable the first year or two that initial oneness leads to marital strife after year one or two。 Men often see and handle this badly.
Marriage Oneness is a Long Path
Oneness is a lifelong pursuit. Do not be deceived by the initial excitement. You have a long way to go.
It is fabulous to work through issues and grow your marriage in each stage of life. Marriage is a commitment to grow for a lifetime. If you have no plans to grow for a lifetime, then I recommend you do not marry. Both of you need to step by step learn about the other and understand when different life changes brings things out of your partner that they did not know existed. Also, you need to learn about yourself. Stubbornness can appear out of nowhere. Especially, men need to watch and think through their own stubbornness and be willing to try change especially when it seems hard. When stubbornness exists on both sides then work hard to give your spouse safety to explain their reason.
Let me give an example.
When my kids started to go to school, I initially had them walk and later ride bikes. We lived on the forth floor of a high rise. My wife said I should go out to the street with them when they left. I always said good bye at the door of our home. I would not change. My wife pushed me hard, and finally I started going out with them. Once I crossed the threshold of our home, it was clear that it was a good idea and not a big deal.
Looking closer at my stubbornness, I saw that I was afraid of raising dependent children or becoming a helicopter parent. Did going out to the street indicate any of these issues? Actually, no. And if that became an issue I could back off. Why was I so against crossing the threshold?
Changing and Learning is So Valuable
It seems I feared some kind of slippery slope that would end up ruining my kids. There was no good reason at all for my stubbornness. I was putting my values ahead of my relationship with my wife and kids. Not crossing the threshold was my value. There was my wife and kids on the other side of my value. Why would I do that?
I needed to be strong enough to overcome my empty value or be able to see my wife and kids better. I am glad I made it but finally sad that it took me so long.
Wives, I suggest you need to examine your own emotions and find out was is in there. Men are more easily moved if they can see reasons and also your emotion might not be from God. Tell your husband that this emotion will not be over soon and to understand you even if you are being unreasonable.
Finally each should pray for their own openness to change. Women in first two years should not be too open to change, however. Men must be more open. Pray more men.
Your own happiness in marriage depends on your ability to grow and change.