Breaking my collarbone and or a rib seemed unlikely in this life. Both happened to me at Christmas. I suddenly become one handed, even left handed. I also wrenched my back. Further, the small business I own is in a bad downturn due to COVID-19. We have a big school cost this month. My strategy for finding the right college for my oldest child did not work. Am I crushed and moving?
That is a lot of pain, a lot of pressure, a lot of disappointment and a lot of felt failure.
When I first wrote the words above, I was so crushed that I could not keep writing.
What is that?
God loves us. My wife and kids love me. My oldest will find a college. Why am I crushed and saying nothing?
I am fragile in some ways that surprise me.
The Bible says we are children all our lives, so we can grow and change. I need to.
My business had a deeper downturn in 2017, and my wife was warring with me. I was trying to project strength, so God crushed me until I broke. Then, I cried in front of my office workers. I cried in front of my family. Then God let up.
This time I have been more open about my pressure and open about reality in the office and at home. See also God Changed Me at The Cross I Love.
However, I was still crushed and not moving. 10 days later, my arm and ribs are a lot more stable. We got notice from a big customer of a big project which should stop our cash flow slide. I unexpectedly got my long awaited Chinese green card. I am emotionally able to write again.
Crushed and Moving – Can We?
Let’s stop and consider how I was crushed though.
I was afraid to lower salaries and afraid to pull the plug on my weighty monthly retirement investment.
Underneath this, I want to prove myself. I want to be successful. I want to pay all my expenses. Even more, I want to be good and capable enough. I do not want my expenses to burden the company and then lower people’s salaries.
What does God want? He wants to build my character. My Heavenly Father wants me to turn to him and live for and with him.
He wants something more from me. Me too. I know I learn the most in hardship. Hardship comes. It is good news. I could even say that I smell God in this massive trouble.
However, when I wrote the above I was crushed. I could not turn to God’s big arms and be well. I was simply crushed. Dieing alone somehow. I told no one including God when I had that feeling. Why?
So, I am a desparetly independent person. Moreover, I hate to ask for help. However, I ask for a lot of help with this collarbone/rib problem. I cannot tie my shoes or get dressed even. Finally, I am a burden.
I long not to be. Here I am though.
God thank you that you brought us some way out of the pit. God, help me be vulnerable and real at the bottom. Help me feel you at the bottom and not be an orphan. Crushed is understandable, but not moving and dying alone not the right place.